The Bottom

I’ve been avoiding writing this. I’ve been avoiding a lot of things; responsibilities, reality, my feelings. But here we are dear reader, it’s self indulgent and overreactive but it’s real to me. And mostly that’s why I don’t want to share it, because it’s dumb but when I try to pretend it’s not there it just knocks me twice as hard.

Anxiety was a good escape for a while, I was productive. I needed less sleep and more caffeine. If anyone was treating me unfairly I just shrugged it off and moved onto the next thing. Until it morphed into something else.

Every health issue was surely fatal, every conversation I couldn’t quite over hear was definitely about me. My kids were out of control and it was all my fault. Everything was my fault. I wanted to relax but I couldn’t, I craved sleep but it wouldn’t come. I needed caffeine not to fall asleep on the way to work.

My contract finished at work. I should have been prepared for the possibility I would not get another one, after all it was a maternity relief position but I wasn’t. I was running. I was getting through each day. Still it finished.

I made plans. No use dwelling. I did a couple of weeks before my position ended, apply for many jobs. I contacted the temp agency I’ve previously worked for. I knew it wasn’t enough.

I had two casual shifts at my old work this week which is promising and a job interview. I thought I’d done enough or at lest all I could. Then shit happened at home and I couldn’t run anymore. Maybe I could, but I lost the will. And I also remembered my psychologist suggesting I needed to learn to ‘sit with my feelings ‘ which confuses me but nonetheless…

I don’t want to blame anyone else but my family are being jerks right now so my heart was racing again over someone overreacting again tonight and I was just done. I walked out into our backyard and laid on the concrete for like 30 minutes. No one asked if I was okay but at least no one needed anything from me. It was bliss.

I lay and breathed and looked up into the clouds until my eyes gently closed and then I just breathed. And I’m pretty sure I’m depressed now but at least I’m not anxious anymore. That feeling that the part of me that’s always ok no matter what has gone, is gone. Not that everything’s ok but there’s something enduring that is.

And I’m not ok with what’s going on right now but I also don’t need to fix it just this instant. And it’s not my all my fault.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me I’m just sharing my feelings. Things might be a bit shit but I’ll make a comeback, maybe just not in the next couple of days.