Confession

Usually I’m pretty open and honest about my short comings but there’s something I’ve been keeping to myself. And I promised myself that if I lapsed again I would come clean on here.

Yes I’m making it public, I am smokaholic. And I’m trying to beat it I really am, I’ve been trying for years while trying to hide it from those closest to me. And it has had varying degrees of success. The longest being a couple of months, the shortest a couple of hours. And it tortures me.

It tortures me because I was someone who was never going to smoke. I saw what it did to family members, emphysema, COPD, strokes, loss of limbs. How did I get here?

I got here because the teenage brain is not capable of making rational decisions. I still here because of fear. Which is ridiculous because my rational brain knows there is so much more to fear if I continue to smoke. The addicted brain it turns out, is not the best decision maker either.

So I have been locked in this battle of my own wills, atleast for a year, though I have attempted to kick it for at least a decade on and off.

My rational brain put a patch on this morning. My addict brain convinced me just a few more before the patch kicks in. So here I am outside in the cold breathing poison as if I’m going to miss this shit.

I made the promise to myself that if I failed again I would have to go public but backed out of it several times. This time I’m doing it.

I’m telling you all this because I have learned that the thing that keeps me coming back here is fear. Fear grows in the dark and so I’m putting the spotlight on it, in the hopes that I can look it in the eyes and defeat it. And so I can be accountable to you all for my behaviour. No more hiding behind those addiction lies.

So as I once again destroy my supply of my drug of choice I make a promise. That succeed or fail I let you know on here each and every day. I know this is a bit of a serious post but I hope I can share some more funny tid bits from my life as well.

Wish me luck!