Naughty Elves for Naughty Kids

So not only do we now condone sitting in someone’s lap because they’ll bribe you with goodies, now we allow tiny little people to fuck with us because they might dob to the guy who brings the pressies if we don’t.

If you’re feeling judged right now, don’t. I got scammed too. Scammed by the YouTube videos and Facebook memes and the goddamn ‘why does everyone else get an elf and I don’t bs. And now I’m living with the consequences.

Firstly, I have to tell lies, which I hate doing. Miss 8 now has too many questions ‘where do the elves go when they leave?’ ‘Why does my elf still have lipstick stains on its face from when it ruined your lipstick last year?’ ‘Why are Ava’s elves in quarantine and mine aren’t?’

Eventually I just said ‘Look kid, at some point you just have to decide if you really want to believe it or not.’ She said she wanted answers! So I changed the subject.

I mean clearly, logically, the elf must be responsible for a lot of kids giving up on Santa at an earlier age. Mostly because it’s clearly just a plastic doll that doesn’t have any fucking eye lids.

About a year ago Miss eight couldn’t sleep at night because she was afraid of a doll in a YouTube video that had some goth make up and kept appearing in unexpected places. If anything elf on the shelf should make this fear all the more real. It’s weird she doesn’t connect those dots.

Anyway because Miss eight still takes forever to wind down at night and I was bloody tired, I risked setting up the elves while she was awake in her bedroom. Now I’m wondering if she really didn’t see them set up when she got up to get some water or she just pretended not to.

If she really saw them then it’s a bit shit because I just had to go back out because I forgot to hide her letter to Santa. So that’s going to look a bit sus if she already saw them set up with the note and now it’s gone. But if she believes they can teleport from the North Pole, surely they can teleport a letter.

I have some colleagues from overseas who celebrate Christmas by getting together with family but don’t do the whole present thing. They must think we’re insane but they’re very good about not saying so.

I have to say a nice lunch with family and friends without putting each other into debt for stuff we don’t need sounds like an awesome idea right now. Not that I would ever do that, the expectations have been set to high now.