Age and Maturity

At what age do we become actually adults? Like not just people who seemingly were 17 5 mins (as opposed to 18 years ago). Is it only those of us with chronically low self esteem that suffer from this type of ‘imposter syndrome’? Or is there something in our consciousness that kind of solidifies at a certain age, thus we are only really capable of operating from that level for the rest of our lives? God I hope not. I made some really shitty decisions when I was seventeen, but then I’ve made some really shitty decisions in the past 24 hours so….

I’ve been thinking a lot about cognitive development lately because I’ve taken a job as an educator in a 0-2 room. Most of the children in the room are 18 months to 2.5 years at the moment and the speed at which their tiny minds are developing is awe inspiring. The effect of the tiny people on the adults that teach them is equally fascinating.

Sometimes as parents and/or educators we forget that the children are children. They talk in sentences and follow directions (when they want to), they know what they want and express it (loudly), they display vastly different personality traits from each other (and from themselves 2 seconds before). Surely, our logical adult brains surmise, they must just be tiny adults.

But they are not tiny adults. They are tiny psychopaths. My son is a tiny psychopath. He threw a tantrum and pretended he could not remember to put his seatbelt on for 15 minutes yesterday. If it doesn’t sound long imagine constant screaming threatening , bargaining and crying in a small enclosed space for 15 minutes. My life was a living hell. I got out of the car and sat beside it for 10 minutes. He locked me out.

Now imagine that even though he has now buckled up and we are driving that he insists because he has buckled up I ‘have to’ do something or give something to him. What the..? What the hell is wrong with this child? Why is he trying to win? He’s 4 years old why does he need to be in charge? And why was his sister the exact same way from his age until very recently? What the hell is wrong with my children? What the hell is wrong with me?

And so I enter into an argument with a 4 yr old that I never should have given the time of day and yet I must. I must show him how obnoxious he is being by being 10 x more obnoxious. And if you’ve found yourself in this position you’ll know what happens next and no one wins. Well I won because he didn’t get his soft drink from McDonalds but that’s beside the point because now my throat is sore and my sense of self is in the gutter.

Never argue with an idiot. It just makes two of you. Not that I think my kid is a dumbass but seriously the same person that needs me to stay until he falls to sleep each night just wished me dead. Not too fricken smart. I’ve also tried keeping my cool but apparently that’s letting them ‘walk all over me’. And on balance it all just adds up to I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve been doing stuff I don’t know how to do for some time now and I might not be good at it but I’m very experienced. When my first child was born and wouldn’t stop screaming or let me sleep I said ‘I can’t do this anymore ‘. My husband tried for 5 mins and said she didn’t like him. So I did it. Despite not being able to do it I did it anyway.

When I couldn’t manage my first child’s tantrums I did it anyway. She screamed if I helped, she screamed if I didn’t. She screamed if I held my ground or if I gave in she still screamed. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fix it but we’re still alive and she almost never has them anymore. Sometimes people just need to grow out of things like having tantrums and needing sleep or piece in their lives or feeling good enough. Just do it anyway.

I can’t keep my house clean but I do it anyway. I don’t feel like I’m good enough at work most of the time but I do it anyway. Not a good wife, do it anyway. You get the picture. I’m not having a good day.

Not every day is good. Do it anyway. Maybe there’s a maturity in that. I didn’t ask for it but I got it nonetheless and anyone who’s looked at life and said ‘nah, not for me’ but something told them not to give up (maybe that inner 4 year old who’s pretty sure they can get what they want if they can just persist long enough) but reached out or reached within and made it through knows this. Not every day is going to be great or bearable or even make any sense. Make it through anyway, pay the bill, clean the crap someone else put there and will probably put back there tomorrow, make the appointment, go to the job you’re not feeling so confident, put on your big girl pants. It’s just a day and it will pass whether you do something or nothing, really well or half arsed. Sometimes half an arse is all you have to give.

It’s past midnight and that shitty day is over and I can also say I got some shit done.