Lower your Expectations (school holidays survival guide).

I really enjoyed providing you all with life advice last time, so I thought I’d give you all what no one asked for. A survival guide to school holidays…for shit mums.

1. Lower your expectations

The marketing machine that comes at us and our kids via school holidays has made school holidays appear to be a time of family bonding, fun and cherished childhood memories. No one can live up to that shit for 14 days straight. And if you can I don’t want to hear about it. I just tell my children we’re too poor to go out every day and that I will do activities with them after they clean their rooms. It’s a win win because they never actually clean their rooms but end up playing in there while I binge on Netflix.

2. Share the load with another family.

Arrange for yourself and another parent to take turns at looking after each other’s kids. The other kid keeps your kid away from you at your house and when your kid is at their house you can have a break from being asked to play barbies or watch the dance they made up or the song they wrote .

3.Expect an increase in Sibling Rivalry

Whenever your kids start trying to kill each other, give them a chore to do. Lol, that was a joke, kids don’t listen! But seriously I’ve talked to other parents and bored kids turn on each other quicker than lager turns to piss. I’ve compromised on telling them they must play in the back yard or down the other end of the house if their play is too rough or loud. This is because they are both Scorpios and never comprise on anything, EVER.

4. Prioritise ‘Me Time’

Minutes to ones self may seem about as likely as the kid’s clothes making it into the laundry basket but I promise you it can be achieved. Just this morning I pooped all by myself. They only knocked on the door three times, they were very restrained. But seriously if your kids talk as much as mine do you’re going to need a grandparent or screen time or ear plugs. Probably all three.

5. Say no to slime

It’s on the spare room ceiling.

6. Say no to goop

Made it in the bath for easy clean up. Thought I could leave my little angels unsupervised for a couple of minutes. It was all over the bathroom. Traces of cornflour remain after twice mopping.

7. Try to enjoy the good moments

Sometimes your kid will surprise you with their maturity and kindness. Sometimes they will enjoy something the way you did as a child. Hold onto those moments. You’re going to need them.

8. Load up on snacks.

And then enjoy picking up half full packets from all over your house. While muttering about how you’re not made of money and threatening to make them eat all the stale snacks before they are allowed to eat anything out of the cupboard. It is an empty threat of course because ‘I’m hungry/thirsty/bored is heard so often you can’t bear it anymore and the more of that they can take care of themselves, the better.

9. Try to stay in some sort of routine.

Just kidding, what day is it? Although I keep bedtime more or less the same because after that I get actual real alone time.

So there you have it folks, nine tips, not necessarily to make your holidays any better but maybe a little more bearable knowing someone else feels the same way and can’t wait for the kids to go back. Don’t believe the hype, everyone is not having the time of their lives, they’re just posting the best bits on Facebook.