Sometimes I don’t want to look at myself

Google won’t tell me what it’s called but I know it to be real. I wish I didn’t but I do, maybe you do too?

Many years ago when I was late teens, early twenties, it’s a bit hazy but I went to GROW (mental health 12 step group) and I remember something very clearly. There was an older woman there who had anxiety and depression and had covered up all the mirrors in her house and I found this so sad.

I found it sad because this woman was beautiful. Not perfect, not young, not thin but she had a kind friendly face. She was very active in the group, had overcome a lot in her life and seemed to be the type of person who went out of her way to do nice things for others. It was unimaginable to me that this woman could not look herself in the eye.

I don’t know when but years after this cake back to me when I started having trouble myself. I know logically my face is the same as it was the day before but suddenly I just don’t feel like the person looking back at me is me.

Other times I look in the mirror and my flaws have just taken over and I just can’t bear it. I couldn’t fix my hair or put makeup on it’s a lost cause. I just put on my tinted moisturiser and tie my hair up without looking and hope for the best.

I can’t say if this issue is linked to my depression or anxiety but it’s definitely one of them because, guys I know I’m not perfect but I actually do love myself most of the time and overlook any small physical imperfections.

Another piece of the puzzle is that I’ve noticed during these times I feel very self conscious. I don’t want anyone else to look at me either. Today I walked my daughter to school with my head down hoping no one saw me. So I’m not snubbing you guys I’m just feeling so shy I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Nothing funny today sorry just a random insight. It really does give me some insight into those who have body dismorphic disorder, eating disorders or disassociative identities disorder. It must be really rough as I can honestly say this particular affliction is rare for me.

Remember it’s mental health month so take care of yourselves and those close to you. And if someone doesn’t want to engage with you, don’t take it personally, maybe they are just having a bad day.

Thanks to the Mum who said hi to me at the school fence. I’m sorry if I was awkward. Always say hi anyway.