Effing spring rolls

I should have known it These are not the actual spring rolls I made. No it was much worse than that. I should have taken a picture but then again maybe it’s for the best I didn’t.

To be fair, I have successfully made edible spring rolls. With a san Choi bow kit and some pre made veggie mix, sure. But they were actually delicious and I highly recommended this method to anyone like me who loves spring rolls but lacks the conviction to make the filling from scratch.

What I did tonight was follow a recipe which promised ‘Quick’ and ‘easy’ Thai spring rolls.

I actually went to the supermarket and specifically bought correct ingredients that came whole, not pre-prepared. Then I came home and cut them all into ‘match sticks’ which took about an hour. Quick and easy my arse! Although I did have to stop twice to take Mr 4 to the toilet, but that’s another story for another day.

Then you have to stir fry the veggies and chicken in a mixture of sauces. Then it says to taste it and if it’s too salty, add more lime juice. Cool story bro but I already squeezed the shit out of the only lime I bought when I made the sauce. It’s now in the bin.

Lemon juice will do, right? Tip half a bottle in and still can’t taste it. Still just salty.

My first attempt at rolling my salty goo in the spring roll wrapper leads to several tears in the wrapper and tears in my eyes. See what I did there? Not one to give up I ‘double bag’ the little bugger in another spring roll wrapper.

My rolling actually improves with each spring roll and I’m starting to feel quite smug. Until I put the first one in oil and it’s cooking way too quickly and I can’t find the ffing tongs.

Just as I decide I think I can use a spatula to get my now blackened spring roll out of the boiling hot oil, Miss 7 seems to be having some sort of issue on the other side of the room, that requires urgent attention. I’m yelling that she needs to come closer and tell me and she’s yelling back something indecipherable, repeat.

I say Miss 7 ‘seems’ to be having this issue for two reasons:

1. Everything is an emergency to Miss 7
2. I’m in the kitchen having an emergency of my own, with an exhaust fan on and I definitely have some kind of undiagnosed industrial deafness. I just cannot hear with that darn thing on.

(Side note: have fully noticed that Miss may

get her dramatic thinking style from me but I like to think I keep mine mostly in my own head).

So she’s screaming, I’m screaming. I’m fumbling. Spring roll falls back into hot oil. Hot oil splashes all over me burning my wrist and finger. Every swear word you ever heard in your life, plus some new ones I just invented.

So no, making these spring rolls was neither ‘quick’ nor ‘easy’.

I was extremely proud when my usually picky children (whom obviously felt sorry for me), sat at the table and had a bite or two of their very unattractive, extremely salty spring rolls before filling up on boiled rice. Without a word of complaint.

Thank god they didn’t eat them all because they may have clogged an artery.