The lunatics are running the asylum.

A very long time ago my parents told me ‘Just remember when you have kids they come to live with you, not the other way around.’ I got the implication, I really did. Like children need to adapt to the family not the other way around. I agreed with it but even as a young person working with babies I could see how this could be an ‘easier said than done’ type statement. Like ‘children learn by example’ so just be perfect.

I was reminded of this conversation when I just came out of the toilet to find Miss 7 and Mr 7 emerging from my ensuite wearing my read lipstick. And again when I found this on on notice board my husband put up so we could remind ourselves stuff:

I have vague memories of my daughter asking me which bits she could rub out earlier while I was cleaning the kitchen. Well at least she checked before rubbing stuff out.

My children don’t stop. They have boundless energy (I’m sure they psychically drain it directly from me) and endless ideas. And an over inflated sense of autonomy. Unless Mr 4 has to be in a room without another human. They have what people politely call ‘leadership potential ‘.

I don’t want to quash my children’s creativity or self help skills but I also don’t want them to think they run the show.

A work mate with 4 grown children once told me that one of those children was very strong willed she said ‘ I literally just had to tell him mummy is in charge’. Hmm how strong willed was he?

The ‘Mummy is in charge’ bit mostly worked with my first. She didn’t like it, she sometimes threw a screaming fit but she somewhat accepted it and did not try to do the thing I’d told her she couldn’t.

Mr 4 is a different animal. More chill in general but he never asked he just did. And if I remind him ‘mummy is in charge’? He has a screaming fit claiming he is the Mum until we both go insane.

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘you get what you get and you don’t get upset?’ We use it in childcare a lot and it’s super effective. Except when I say it at home Miss 7 always replies ‘You get what you get and you DO get upset’. And she’s not joking either she can get very emotional about the bowl or cup she ends up with. Thankfully a lot less than when she was 3…

My kids are ‘discipline resistant ‘. Putting them in a time out takes twenty times the five minutes I eventually get them to sit for. So I really only use it for serious offences like physically hurting one another.

So what does work? Having a routine. You do the thing then you get to do the next thing. Eg ‘Put your shoes on and then we can go to the park’ or ‘If you help clean up we can go to the pools sooner’. The consequences are logical and they seem to understand that rather than fight against it.

Right now Mr 4 knows I have to write for 5 more minutes before I get him some milk. He’s just informed me he’s going to ‘vomit on the lounge’ if he doesn’t get it and ‘it’s been 100 minutes’. It’s been 4, drama queen. Ok, so it only kinda sorta works sometimes.

Look, as a professional I can tell you that the best thing to do is create clear boundaries and be 100% consistent. But I never ever actually give this advice because not only is it hypocritical, it’s just not achievable for most of us.

Another gem from my studies in early childhood is to focus on the positive. Reward the behaviour you want to see, give as little attention to the bad as possible. This I truly believe in. If a child thinks they can do no right why even try?

If your children are on the wild side it’s so important to look for the good in them and help that to grow. Miss 7 exhausts me because she is a little extrovert and my introverted self needs a break from constant chatter. I realised when we were at the park one time that she makes friends wherever she goes and it reminded me of my dear grandmother who was the same way. I told her so!

Miss 7 now takes pride and says ‘I make friends wherever I go’ after telling everyone from a kid she just met at the pools to every shop assistant we came across on my recent search for a dress for a job interview all about our weekend plans. It’s a great skill that I wish I had and she gets her chat fix from someone that’s not ME.

So my advice if you feel like the kids are walking all over you and you’ve lost yourself to parenting is the following:

Protect your own needs first. I like the oxygen mask analogy a lot. Do whatever it takes to get them to bed at a decent hour and have some time to yourself or with your SO.

Schedule in time to do what you like to do. Draw, write, make, whatever. If they want to join you, cool, if not they need to not need you for half an hour.

Find something that is calming for everyone and do it as often as you can. Ours is water so we go to the pools or play ‘beauty spa’ in the bath.

Lock the bathroom door when you want to go number two. Even if it means coming out to them covered in your lipstick.

There is one rule in my house and it’s there only for my own sanity, that bed time is bed time.